I was born this way...

I don't have children. It's not my fault. It's not my choice. I was born in a body that doesn't work like most other women. But, I'm not alone. 12.5 percent of those born and reaching adulthood will have fertility issues. There are over 5 million childless couples in the United States according to recent census information. More than half of those did not choose their childless state.

There is no special, extra sensitve treatment for us on Christmas, Mother's Day, Father's Day or Easter. These holidays are centered around children and parenting by throngs of marketing groups and media personalities across the country. No, the childless are required to be quiet in their pain and celebrate as if they are overjoyed by the season, even if they are in so much emotional pain they can hardly get out of bed. Of course we know the true meaning of these special dates, but the same ads that pull your heartstrings toward the latest trend in gifts and social events, can remind us of heartbreak we can't quench.

"I'm just a little blue this time of year," I told a good friend on a shopping trip.

"Oh, I'm so sorry," she said, "lets go in the toy store, that always cheers me up."

Yep, that will do it, that will pull me right out of my Not-a-mom funk. Let's go to the toy store so I can see all the things I would buy for my kids. IF I had them.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not anti-toys. I just wish the child bearing community could understand our broken hearts. Maybe be a bit more sensitve?? Is that really too much to ask.

Normally I am fine. I love my life. It is rewarding, filled with love and very busy. I don't sit around, day-by-day, counting the sorrows of childnessness. But, certain times of the year, I just get a little blue.

What can you do? What should friends say?

Well, I'm not going to congress to petition for hate crime legislation to be enacted over words like toy store, playground and toddler bed. I won't picket MOPS or Mom's Time groups because they exclude me from their Christmas tea. And I certainly won't require insurance companies to grant insurance coverage to children who are not legally mine, just so I can have equal access. It would just be nice to have a little break from the cacophany of people who tell me I MUST put up a Christmas Tree, or go to the toy store, or visit Santa. I might do any or all of those things, but not in moments that are a bit raw. On those days, I want to sit quietly with a cup of tea and a book, my puppy in my lap and count the blessings I do have in my life. Not in spite of being childless or as a result of being childless, but just because they are blessings and we all have them.

There is really nothing you can do. Just say you get it. Just say you are sorry. Just don't offer to loan me your children. I don't want borrowed kids.

What can you do? Have a cup of tea with me and talk about your dream vacation spot. It might be mine too. Tell me about the last movie you saw? Or ask me about the book I'm reading...or about my dog.
Don't ask me if there is anything I can't do...because I will tell you there are two things I cannot do. I cannot ever be a mother, and I cannot do algebra.

But it's okay. I was born this way, or made this way by illness that invaded my body...either way it's not my fault. All I need you to do is to love me, just the way I am, and I will do the same for you.

Blessings and Joy to all.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME???

I went to a fundraising gala this weekend for Second Harvest Community Foodbank. It was a thirties themed party and we had a wonderful time dressing up, socializing, and honoring the organization and several humanitarians they recognized during the evening. As I was relaying the events of the weekend to a friend, she told me she was jealous of me because I could still have a social life like we did in highschool. I was surprised by her thoughtless comment.

"No, seriously? I do not follow visiting basketball teams to McDonald's and give them my number."

I thought she would laugh, realize what she said, and that would be the end of the discussion, or, maybe we would spend a few moments reminiscing about our silliness, almost 30 years ago. Instead,  she thought I needed further explanation of her comment.

“I mean you are free to do what you like, because you aren’t tied down to kids and your husband lets you have fun. You are lucky not to have to worry about kids every time you want to go out.”

It’s comments like this that can bring me to the brink of tears and laughter at the same time.  I don’t think I will ever understand comments like these. Over the years I have had women tell me they wish they could trade places, ask me if I wanted their kids, and roll their eyes toward me as their child asks for yet another toy at the store then say, “You are so lucky you don’t have to deal with this stuff.”

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Newsflash to the parenting world, those of us who are childless, not by choice, would trade with you in a heartbeat, except we would NEVER wish the inability to have children on anyone.

Yes, I know that most parents are kidding when they say these things. They are just relieving stress, laughing instead of crying etc. I also understand that parenting is not an easy task. It lasts a lifetime and includes its own set of unique trials, tribulations, and heartache along with the joy, incredible moments of pride and love like no one but a parent can know. Still, when statements like that are made to someone on the infertility journey, it is anything but funny.

The amount of pain inflicted by careless remarks is staggering. If you ask 100 childless couples how often they hear these types of things, or the dreaded advice from everyone from grandma to the grocery clerk, they will tell you that it is a minimum of once a week. Usually more.

So, while we will do our best to overlook the insensitive moments, because we all have them. Please do us a favor, and think about who you are talking to before you speak.

Yes, it’s true that I have the freedom to attend social events with or without my sweet hubby and that I never have to find a sitter, call in to check on things or get home before ten because my sitter has homework to finish. However, had God decided that children were in His plan for my life…I would have gladly arranged childcare or, more likely, stayed home and made memories with them.  

God Bless Everyone!

Here is an excerpt from Beside the Empty Cradle: Finding Peace in Childlessness.

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The queasy mornings started the day my doctor went of vacation. Two pink lines put me on cloud nine, but I waited to tell John. I didn’t want to hurt him again. I knew this time would be different. The queasy mornings were a welcome addition to my day. I woke up hoping to feel nauseated. A checklist of symptoms grew in my mind.

Lack of energy – check.

Tiny sensations in my belly – check.

Nausea – check.

A new chapter in our life was growing in me. It was all I could do to contain my excitement until I could see my Doctor. His two-week vacation dragged on while my anticipation grew.

I was scheduled to be his first appointment when he returned from Greece. Until then, I kept my pink-lined-stick in a zip lock bag stashed in my top dresser drawer. I could hardly wait to show him, and let his tests confirm what I already knew.

I didn’t have much energy all day, but I had decided that would be normal for the next several months. After dinner, John went to relax in his recliner and I went into my office to work on an article.

There was no sudden movement, no cramping. Warmth on my legs sent me dashing to the bathroom. It was 7 feet from my desk, but by the time I reached the tile floor there was already a trail of blood on the carpet. It would not stop; I was loosing too much blood. Dizzy and scared I yelled for John.

In the emergency room the hemorrhaging continued. A negative pregnancy test ruled out my self-diagnosed miscarriage. The list of possibilities was short, but inconclusive, until the doctors could stop the bleeding. My hemoglobin was dangerously low, less than seven. The nurse couldn’t keep the warm blankets coming fast enough.

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To read more about the diagnosis that changed our lives forever and the hope we found through faith in Christ, follow this blog and order your copy of our book, Beside the Empty Cradle, from your favorite Christian bookstore, Amazon or by requesting more information in the comments section of this post today. 

To bring Pamela to your infertility support group, women's event or church service email (info @ freshcupministries.com) You will need to remove the brackets and the spaces on either side of the @ sign for the email address to work...unfortunately to avoid automated crawlers and spiders we must post it this way.